


The Next Day and the Days That Follow

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Drama, M/M, Points of View, Season/Series 03, Sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-01-01
Updated: 2005-01-25
Packaged: 2018-12-27 00:21:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12069939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: This is the Sequal to 'I Hate it When it Rains.'  I couldn't end the last one with Brian and Justin being apart like that.  This next addition will be much longer, and it will be a little different too. The boys will need some help getting back together. Please leave feedback, because I'm really eager to hear what you think.  Thanks :)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

*************************************************************************************************************

“Justin?” He shakes me. I mutter ‘what’ to him, and he tells me I need to get up. I don’t really feel like it though.

“Come on baby,” he gently shakes me again. This time I comply, because for one thing, I know he won’t leave me alone, and for another, I have to go to the bathroom.

I stand up and stretch, because my neck hurts so badly from the way I slept last night. Ethan stands in the corner and watches me. 

I go to the bathroom and lock the door. I stare into the cracked mirror, and I suddenly feel a wave of nausea hit me, and I find myself on my knees—no pun intended. I can feel my eyes watering, and I can taste yesterday’s lunch in the back of my mouth. I start gagging, and end up throwing up everything in my stomach and then some. When I’m through getting sick, I sit there for a while longer just gagging. I curl up my knees and rest my head on top of them.

“Justin,” knock knock. “Are you okay?”

Man, he is really starting to get annoying. Why the hell can’t he just go away? I get up quietly and flush the toilet. I walk back over to the mirror, and find that I look like shit. Even so, I look the same as I always did, so why don’t I recognize myself? 

“I’ll be out in a second, Ethan, I’m fine.” I wash my face and brush my teeth, and go back into the ‘living room.’

Ethan wraps his arms around me. “You don’t look so good, Justin. Maybe you should stay home today. I can stay with you, if you’d like.”

“I told you that I’ll be fine Ethan.” I feel myself smiling.

I start getting dressed, leaving no room for arguments. Too bad I won’t get to take my morning shower today, which totally sucks.

“Why were you sleeping at the window last night?”

I look at him thoughtfully for a minute. Even if I told Ethan the reason why, nothing would change between us, and he would still ‘love me’ as much as he ever did. Worst of all, he’d probably try to comfort me.

“I guess I just dozed off.”

I can tell that that’s not the answer he wants, but he doesn’t say anything else about it. I think that deep down he’s glad I didn’t tell him the truth.

I pat him on the back. “Bye, Ethan.”

He gives me a kiss on the mouth and smiles. “Bye, Justin. I love you.”

“Ditto.”

I make my way down to the bus stop, which is now my only source of transportation. I sit down in the corner, hoping no one will sit next to me the whole time, because I just don’t feel like being bothered. 

The ride to school is a long one, spent mostly staring out the window and thinking. I can’t remember ever thinking this much. It wouldn’t be so bad if I could just broaden my horizons and think about more than one thing—well, person.

Everything I see now reminds me of him. It’s gotten to the point that it’s just pathetic. I’m pathetic. Like last night, and that stupid goddamn thunderstorm. It’s not just that, though. Every time I set foot into PIFA, I think of him, because he’s the one who’s paying for it.

Ten minutes later I find myself sitting in my class doodling. I forgot that it’s the only class that I have today. As soon as it’s over I can go home and take a shower, but after thinking about it, I don’t want to risk seeing Ethan there. So maybe I’ll just hang out at the park for a while. Then there’s practically no risk of seeing anyone that I know.

And that’s where I find myself, about an hour and a half later. I sit underneath a tall shade tree, because unlike last night, it’s really sunny out today.

“Excuse me.”

I look up. The person standing front of me is wearing a curly, blonde wig with a purple scarf wrapped around her head. She has long, fake black eyelashes and a lot of purple eye shadow. She’s wearing a blue patchwork skirt and Birkenstocks. Her shirt is decorated with little blue flowers around the neck, and two strings in the front. Her ears have at least six holes, and she’s wearing big golden hoops in each one. Her fingernails are especially long and bright red. Across her back is a faded blue-jean bag.

“Excuse me,” she repeats.

“What?” I stare at her stupidly. She’s really strange looking.

She sits down on the grass facing me and crosses her legs. “I trust you won’t be expecting anymore company.” Who the hell is this woman?

“I’m Madam Katrina. But call me Madam Kit, dear.” She turns her hand over a couple of times, motioning to me. “And you are…?”

“Jus--”

“Ah yes, Justin, that’s right. I’m terrible with names at first you know.”

I look at her in surprise. How did she know my name? She’s just…creepy. Have I seen her before? No, but I guess that doesn’t mean she couldn’t have seen me around. That’s it, she probably just saw me hanging out at Liberty Avenue once. But why is she here now? And why did she say ‘at first?’ Does she think she’s going to get to know me?

“So Justin, how are you?” She asks in a way that seems like she is really concerned.

“Uh,” I start to tell her what I tell everyone else, that I have never been better, but the look in her eyes stops me. “I’ve been a lot better.”

She smiles at me, like she knew all along. The look on her face seems to say ‘I know a lot more than you think I do.’ Still, I don’t feel threatened by her or anything, mainly just curious.

She takes my hand and begins to examine it closely. I yank it away. 

“I don’t have any money.”

“I didn’t figure you did, honey. It’s on the house.”

“Why are you doing this?” She looks at me like I hurt her feelings or something. I’m more confused than ever. If she doesn’t want money, then what does she want?

“Look, Justin, I’m trying to help you, both of you. That’s all.” She takes my hand again and traces her finger down the middle of my palm. She makes a face and shakes her head. She reaches into her bag and pulls out a green globe-thing. She looks at it, and then back at me, then back at it.

“What?” Help both of us? 

“It’s not going to be easy.” She sighs and shakes her head again.

“What’s not going to be easy?” She ignores me. “Is that supposed to be a crystal ball or something?”

She looks up at me distastefully. “No. I’m not here to tell you your future. Besides, crystal balls only exist on T.V.”

I am beginning to think Madam Kit is crazy. What she wants with me I don’t want to stick around to find out. I get up and begin to run away. 

“Justin! Don’t be scared, it’s only help!” I ignore here and keep running, and don’t’ stop until I get to Liberty Ave. I get to the diner a little early and go to the bathroom to get ready there. I just don’t want to go back home because Ethan could very well be there, waiting for me to get home.

I step into the last stall and change into a new shirt and put on my apron. I walk out of the stall and brush my hair. I look in the mirror, and I close my eyes. I think I’m going to go crazy if things don’t start looking up.

If I don’t be careful I could end up like that weird woman in the park, minus the boobs and vagina. This is all Brian’s fault. I sigh. No, this is all my fault. We all make mistakes though, right? Maybe if I just talk to Brian, tell him how I feel…yeah right.

I guess the door opened without me noticing, because I hear someone coming toward me. I look up, and speak of the devil, it’s Brian. I only look at him for a second before rushing past him. He grabs my arm.

“What’s the hurry?” He smirks at me. The fucker, why does he have to look so hot all the time?

“You know I have to work Brian. Leave me alone.”

“Fine.” He lets go of my arm. Now I wish I wouldn’t have told him that, because at least he was touching me. I guess I expected him to put up more of a fight, but then I remember how he always was. I turn away from him and walk out


	2. The Next Day and the Days That Follow

*******************************************************************************************************

“It’s a good thing you’re early Sunshine, we’re really busy tonight.” 

The red-haired woman pops her gum and looks out on the crowd. She looks back at me and hands me a pot of coffee. 

“Kiki had your section, but she had to leave early so I took over.” Debbie points to a corner booth. “She wants coffee.”

“Thanks Deb.” I take the coffee and head over to the booth. “Did you want coffee?” 

The young woman smiles brightly at me and nods her head. “Could I get a cheeseburger and some fries too?”

“Sure thing. Is that all?” She nods a ‘yes,’ so I go put her order in.

I look around the diner and notice it is pretty busy, maybe I’ll get some overtime if someone calls in. That would be awesome, because God knows I—well, we could use the money. I wish Ethan would get a real job. It was cute before I lived with him, but not when the bills are rolling in. It’s not like I mooched off Brian, but I never went hungry there either. He’s still paying for me to go to school too. The asshole acts like it’s not a big deal.

I bring the lady her cheeseburger and fries and some more coffee. After that, the rest of my night is pretty much the same as it always is, except kind of busy. I only saw Brian for about ten minutes after he came out of the bathroom. Turns out he just wanted to tell Michael to meet him at Babylon tonight at ten. I wasn’t eavesdropping; I just heard them say that. They talk really loudly. 

Okay, I was listening, but can you blame me? He couldn’t have just called Michael, oh no. He had to come down here and tell him right in front of me. I don’t care though, I’m happy for him. It’s good to see that he’s not too broken up about this. I’m happy for him. Honestly.

I look at the clock and it’s only twenty minutes until the diner closes. There are only a handful of people here, including me and Deb. I look over at my section and see that the only person left in it is that girl. I’ve been refilling her coffee for hours now.

“Hey Deb, how long has she been here?”

“Since we opened this morning. Said she was meetin’ someone, but it looks to me like they’re a no show.” Deb turns and walks back behind the counter.

I turn back around and make my way over to the booth to warn the woman that we’re about to close. I stop about five feet from the table when Madam Kit walks in. She smiles and waves at the girl, completely ignoring me.

Now I don’t want to go over there. Madam Kit gives me fucked up feelings. I suck it up and go over there anyway though, because Deb is giving me a ‘what’s your problem’ look. 

When I get over there, they both stop talking immediately, like they don’t want me to hear what they’re saying, because it’s some kind of secret. I can’t help it, I get this annoyed feeling that they’re talking about me. I shrug it off and mentally scold myself for being so paranoid.

“Excuse me ladies, but we’re closing in about fifteen minutes.”

Madam Kit gives me an annoyed look, but the other girl just smiles and nods.

“Don’t be so formal, Justin. Sit down.” 

Madam Kit gestures to the seat across from them. When I just stand there and stare at her, she rolls her eyes.

“Your shift's pretty much over anyway, and besides, this won’t take long. I promise to give you a big tip.”

She smiles again, and it seems genuine. I know I’ll hate myself for this, but I sit down. Just so she’ll know how annoyed I am, I cross my arms and glare. She rolls her eyes again.

“You dropped these.” She hands me my sketchbook and my charcoal pencils.

“Thanks,” I say it sincerely.

“Lucky I found it instead of Ian huh?”

“Excuse me?”

“Damn it! I meant Ethan.” She smacks herself in the forehead. “I told you I’m bad with names.”

“What do you want? You have eight minutes.”

“As I said before, I only want to help you.”

“Why would you want to help me? You don’t even know me? And what the hell are you trying to help me with anyway!?”

“Just think of me as a concerned friend. It’s part of my job to do things like this, Justin. As for what I’m trying to help you with, I’m here to help you get the one thing you desire more than anything else.”

“Which is…?” I look at her expectantly. I’m getting impatient. I’m also pretty annoyed, but I can’t help but be intrigued at the same time.

“You want me to tell you what you want? Justin, you know as well as I do what you desire most. It would be faster and more simple if you’d just give in and say it now.”

I stare daggers at her. I hope I’m intimidating her more than she is letting on. Who the fuck does she think she is anyway? She acts like she knows me. I get up and start to walk away for the second time today.

“Justin, think about it. We’ll see each other soon.”

“Look, you’re a freak! Just stay away from me, got it?”

The both just stare at me, seemingly not fazed by my anything I just said. In fact, they look like they are ignoring me.

They’re both sitting and talking as I leave the diner. I hear the coffee-girl mention Brian’s name, and I almost stop and go back, but I force myself to keep moving until I get home. Brian doesn’t concern me anymore than they do.

I’m sad when I get home. Ethan greets me with a big hug and kiss, then another hug and another kiss. You’d think I’ve been gone for years.

I sit down on the mattress and sigh. This has been an interesting day.

“Tired?”

“Yeah.” This time I’m not lying, I really am exhausted.

“Let’s go to sleep then.”

I smile at him and agree. I give him a kiss goodnight and just crash. I don’t even bother taking off my shoes or the rest of my clothes, because I’m out like a light before I realize they’re on.

When I wake up the next morning, the first thing I realize is that Ethan is not beside me, or anywhere for that matter. I stretch and wipe the sleep out of my eyes. I get up and go to the bathroom, where I find a note on the mirror.

Justin,

I ‘went to work’ already. I let you sleep  
because I was pretty sure you didn’t have  
any classes today. I’ll see you sometime   
tonight.  
Love you,

Ethan

 

I wad the note up and throw it away. It’s true, I don’t have any classes today, and I don’t have to work at the diner either. I have an entirely free day. I have no idea what to do with myself. An entire free day means that I’ll have plenty of time to think…that’s not good.

I sit back down on the mattress and pull out my sketchbook and pencils. I open the book, and I realize what Madam Kit was talking about last night when she said it was lucky she found it first. Every single page I’ve drawn on is of Brian. Not one is of anything else. When did I become so pathetic? There’s Brian sleeping, Brian eating, Brian showering, Brian fucking…me of course.

I turn to what I was sure was the first blank page. On it, there is something that looks like a poem. I know I didn’t do it; I’m an artist, not a poet.

In the dark you will see  
If you let it come to be  
Open your eyes but   
Shut them tight  
Only two can make   
It right.

Choices aren’t simple  
Nothing comes without ache  
Don’t forget to always bend  
Just make sure you never break.

 

It’s not signed, but I can guess who it’s from. Madam Kit is really serious about ‘helping’ me. Now I know what she wants to help me with. I really am a dumb blonde. She wants to help me get back together with Brian. She thinks he’s what I desire more than anything else? Bah, she’s full of shit.

Okay, I’m full of shit. I have a free day today…maybe I could actually take her up on her offer and meet her somewhere. I guess I just have to find her, but I have no idea where to look. 

What would I say if I did find her? What the hell do I want from her anyway? ‘Uh, I decided I want my ex back, can you help me?’ 

I doubt Brian would take me back anyhow. There’s no way. I could threaten to kill myself and he’d offer to hold the rope. Still, it could be worth a shot, I mean, it’s not like I can lose him any more than I already have.

But…what about Ethan?


	3. The Next Day and the Days That Follow

********************************************************************************************************

I sit on the floor for about a half an hour, deciding what I’m going to do. All I can manage to decide is that I’m going to take a shower. It seems like the best idea I’ve had in a long time.

For once, I don’t think about anything the entire time I’m in there, except that spider that is living behind the shower head. It usually doesn’t bother me, but today just looking at its beady little eyes is giving me the creeps. It’s like it’s just staring at me the whole time.

I get out of the shower, and now I have to find something to do with myself for the entire day. I look at the clock and see that it’s only about eleven right now. It’s still early.

I could draw, but I don’t really feel like it. The only inspiration I have is Brian, and I refuse to draw him anymore. Besides, my hand is cramping a little, and I don’t want it to stop working or anything today. I’m not using the computer either, because that reminds me of Brian too.

I guess I could take a walk. Maybe I could run into Madam Kit, and ask her about a few things she was talking about. I was a little mean to her at the diner. No, I better not do that, because nothing good can come of that. I best just stay away from that woman.

I take a walk anyway, and I’m not the least bit surprised where I end up. I knock on the door.

“Justin!” Daphne squeals and pulls me into a hug.

“Hey Daph.”

She motions for me to come inside and closes the door. We sit down on the couch, and she puts her feet on my lap.

“So, what’s up?”

“Not a lot really, life’s been kind of boring.”

She nods her head. “You know, when you were with Brian, I don’t remember you ever saying life was boring.”

I roll my eyes at her. “Yeah, because with Brian life was a constant soap opera drama thing, Daph.”

This time Daphne rolls her eyes at me and kicks me.

“Whatever, I still say that you were happier.” 

I start to reply, but she cuts me off. “Which makes me wonder, what’s wrong? You’re here for a reason, and I doubt it’s to tell me about some candle-lit dinner the two of you had last night. What happened?”

Am I that obvious? Or is it more like I use poor Daph and only come over when I need to tell her about my life falling to shit. I hope that it’s neither, and that she just knows me much too well. 

Whatever it is, I don’t bother trying to lie to her, because it never works. She always knows when I’m lying. But I do decide that from now on I’m going to make more time to spend with her.

“Well, it’s a weird story. Some of it is NC-17, are you sure you want those details?”

She wrinkles her nose the way she always does when she thinks something’s gross.

“Uh, well, if there’s sex with Ethan involved, don’t go into any details. Please.”

I sigh. She’s always hated Ethan, right from the beginning. I don’t bother calling her on it though, because she always says that she doesn’t hate him, but she doesn’t think he’s right for me. I can’t blame her really, Brian’s my favorite too. He’s hard to live up to.

“Okay, don’t bother telling me I’m pathetic, because I already know that I am. And, I don’t wan to hear any ‘I told you so’ either. Got it?”

She smiles really big, because now she knows what it’s going to be about, and she likes being right—even if she’s not allowed to say it out loud.

“So, there was this thunderstorm a couple nights ago, and I just started thinking about how…”

I proceed to tell her pretty much everything up until this very moment. I only omit most of the sex parts, but much to her delight, I tell her I was pretending it was Brian the whole time Ethan and I were fucking. She loves that. I even tell her about the crazy lady, but Daphne’s facial expression doesn’t really change much.

When I’m finished talking, she just stares at me for a minute.

“I think Madam Kit’s right.”

I push her feet off my lap. “Daph, she’s crazy though! How could she possibly know so much about me and Brian, unless she’s stalking us or something?”

“Maybe she has a gift.”

“You’re just as bad as she is. When did you become all cosmic?”

By now I’m standing up, pacing the room. I thought Daphne would agree with me, and tell me I was right for not searching for Madam Kit and not chasing after Brian. I should have known better. Daphne’s giving me an annoyed look.

“Justin, you know I’ve always said I believe in destiny, and maybe this is yours. Maybe since you and Brian are too pigheaded to realize it, destiny had to have some one step in and help you guys out.”

I stop pacing and just stare at her. Destiny? I don’t really believe in that shit anymore, but still. I want to believe Daphne and Madam Kit so badly. I keep thinking that even if they’re wrong, what do I have to lose? Well, there is Ethan to lose, but I suppose I don’t really care that much. Is that bad?

It’s pretty awful that I ended up not wanting what I left Brian for in the first place. I’m just beginning to see what Brian meant though; just because Ethan says he loves me, he never shows me like Brian did.

“So, you gonna ask her for help?” Daphne pulls me out of my thoughts.

“No, I already told you the whole idea is stupid.”

She gets up and walks over to me and pulls me into a hug.

“I just want you to be truly happy, Jus. I think if you have him, it’s the only way you will be.”

She knows I’m thinking about it, and she probably already knows what I’m going to decide. She lightly punches me on the shoulder and offers to go with me. I smile at her, deciding not to argue anymore. I just tell her no.

We talk for a while longer about her life now, and how things are going for her. We talk a little about the past too, and some of the stupid things we’ve done. After about two hours I get up to leave. I give Daphne another hug.

“Thanks Daph.”

“No problem. Now, go get him back, Justin. Drag your prince back to you.” She smiles at me and pushes me out the door a little.

“If you need anymore help, you know where to find me.”

“Yeah, you too.”

“Bye.”

“See ya.”

I’m walking down the street, and now I’m at a loss as to where I should go. I don’t want to go anywhere really, but I can’t sit down in the middle of the sidewalk.

Finally I end up deciding to go to the park again. Even if I wanted to look for Madam Kit, I wouldn’t know where to start, and I just don’t have the energy right now. 

I sit underneath the same tree I did last time I came here, except this time I don’t have anything to draw with or keep me busy.

It’s no surprise that I doze off, because I was bored as hell. When I wake up it’s a little darker outside. I look at much watch to see that it’s now six o’ clock. I sit and stretch. I still don’t really have anything to do.

I get up and start walking again. Hopefully my legs will take me somewhere I want to be. I end up at Woody’s, where I really don’t want to be, because Brian and the rest of the ‘family’ are often here. Luckily tonight they’re not; at least not right now.

I sit down at the bar and order a drink. I only have one, because I didn’t bring that much money with me. I don’t even have that much money. 

I get up and make my way over to an empty table to enjoy it. Maybe someone will offer to buy me a drink.

I’m looking down at the table when I hear someone pull out the chair in front of me. Good. Maybe whoever it is will think I’m hot and offer to pay for a couple of rounds.

I look up. Nope.

“Hey Justin.”

“Hi.”

“Are you ready for my help yet?”

I sigh. There is not escaping this, and I do want him back. “Yeah, I think I am.”

She smiles. “Good. It’s about time; you guys are much too stubborn.”

I smile back at her. That is true. Maybe I will have Brian back soon if I trust her. The fact that she’s a total stranger still scares me, but not enough for me to run away again. I’m willing to listen to what she has to say now. It’s better than being miserable.


	4. The Next Day and the Days That Follow

************************************************************************************************************

“So, what do I do now?” I sigh, because I just feel so defeated, not to mention that I am tired. 

“First of all, what do you want?”

I roll my eyes at her. I’m really not in the mood to play games tonight.

“You know what I want.”

“That’s not the point. Do you know what you what you want? And is it what you really want? If you don’t, I’m just wasting my time here.” 

She watches me. This sounds like a goddamn AA meeting. She stares at me anxiously, waiting for me to say what she wants to hear. I sigh again.

“Fine. I want Brian. I love him. If I was honest with everyone I’d tell them that I don’t give a fuck about Ethan. I need him back, I made a mistake. I just want to be happy again.”

I take the last drink of my beer and shake it to make sure there’s none left. Madam Kit looks at me unsympathetically. No such luck. I sit the empty can down in front of me. I put my elbow on the table and rest my chin in my hand. She smiles at me and pats me on the back. I do feel a little better now that I said it all out loud. I look around though, to make sure that no one heard me, and to make sure that nobody I know is here. I’m safe, for now.

“Okay Justin, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get started.” 

I sit and look at her expectantly, wishing she’d say or do something relevant to what we’ve been talking about. Instead, she pulls out that green thing again, and starts staring at it like it’s going to do a trick.

“Look, are you going to help me, or are you going to play with the magic 8-ball?”

She gives me a patented dirty look. She lifts her penciled in eyebrow high on her forehead and shifts her legs. Maybe I should learn to keep my mouth shut, because after all, she is going to help me. She doesn’t say anything though, and looks back at the ball.

Finally, after about ten minutes, I start to say something. Before I can get it out of my mouth though, she interrupts me.

“Ah, well, like I said earlier; this isn’t going to be easy, Justin. It could be fun though, if we spice things up a bit.” She gives me a real smile this time, showing the front of her teeth. I smile back.

“What did you have in mind?”

“Let’s start basic. First of all, you’ll need to see him, right? You can’t very well win him back by avoiding him. So every time you see him at the diner, make sure you approach him. Flatter him. Go back to Babylon and have some fun. Make him jealous.”

“I doubt I could make him jealous. He wasn’t when we were together; he won’t be now that we’re not. Brian just doesn’t do jealously.”

“Or so he says.” She winks at me.

“Even if that doesn’t work, at least he’ll remember what he’s missing right? Besides, you’ll do other things too. This is just the small stuff. This is what will get him to talk to you anyway.”

“So what’s the rest of the plan then?”

“Don’t worry, it’ll all work out. We’re just going to take this step by step, day by day.”

I nod slowly. I still have no idea why she’s doing this. If I’ve learned anything at all it’s that you never get something for nothing. I let it slide for now though, because I’m not in the mood to discuss it with her. I’ll just bring it up later, as I’m sure I’ll be seeing her around more often now.

“Maybe it won’t be as bad as you think it will.”

I smirk at her, remembering that Brian is as stubborn, if not more stubborn than I am. Besides that, I believe, or believed in true love and destiny, and he doesn’t. I’m not sure what I believe now.

“When you guys get back together, everything you do now will be worth it.”

She said ‘when’. That means that she’s sure, right? I could live without Ethan, which I’m going to have to, because we’re going to have to break up sooner or later in order for this to work. I hadn’t really thought about that, though. I kind of feel bad for the guy, he really did love me I think. I feel like I used him. 

“Where am I going to stay? If Ethan and I break up, I won’t have an apartment, and I don’t have enough money to get one.” 

I could always stay with Debbie I guess, but she’d ask way too many questions. Michael’s out, because he’d rather cut off his dick than to share an apartment with me. A big no with Ted and Emmett, it’d just be too weird, and I’d feel like I was intruding. The Munchers…gross. And I’m definitely not going back to my mother. She’d be worse than Debbie.

“You can stay with me.”

I think about it for a minute. It might not be so bad living with her, despite the fact that she’s a complete stranger. Well, Brian was too the night I went home with him and that didn’t stop me. Besides, she just doesn’t seem too threatening. Maybe things will work out for me.

“Okay.” It’s strange to hear myself say that.

Where do I go from here now? Home to Ethan, but do I stay there tonight? I should probably get this over with, and break it off. Maybe he won’t be home and I can leave a note. No, I can’t do that, it’s just not right. I’m sure he’ll be home anyway; I doubt he has anything else to do tonight. He’s probably wondering where I am.

“When do you want me to move in with you? I think I’d like to break it off with Ethan soon, before I lose my nerve.”

“I figured that. You can move in tonight if you’d like. I’ll just give you my address and you can come by after you break it off. Hmm…it’s kind of far away, so if you’d like, I can give you cab fare.”

“How far away?”

“Not like in another town, but a good couple of miles from where you’re staying now. Don’t worry, it’s close enough to be convenient to your needs right now.”

“I think I have a couple of bucks, but thanks.”

Madam Kit nods and I get up. She pulls a pen and a notebook out of her bag, and writes down her address for me. I take it and stuff it into my pocket. I tell her thanks, and head for the exit. 

When I get outside, I’m thankful that it’s a fairly warm night, because I think I missed the bus. I look at my watch, and it confirms my suspicions. Oh well, it won’t be long until I get home, and maybe I can use the extra time to think about what I’m going to say to Ethan. I can’t help but to feel bad about his whole situation.

I could tell him it just didn’t work out, that we didn’t have the right chemistry or something. That’s maybe something he would believe. He hasn’t really done anything wrong that I can call him on. I shake my head. I think I’m just going to wing it.

When I get home I walk up the stairs and open the door to our apartment. Ethan really should lock it, even if he’s home, but he never does. 

I know what he’s doing even before I step inside; he’s practicing. I heard him all the way downstairs. You’d think he’d get enough of it all day, but he never does. I stop in the doorway and look at him for a minute. Then I shut the door, because I know there’s no danger in him hearing it anyway. He always zones out when he’s playing.

I take a deep breath and approach him slowly. I wait until he’s finished with his song, and tap him on the shoulder before he can start playing a different one. He looks back at me startled. He didn’t hear me come in, and I figured he wouldn’t. 

He expression changes from startled to happy the moment he sees that it’s me. I try to smile back, but I just can’t this time. He doesn’t see me falter though, because he tries to pull me into a kiss. I gently push him away.

“What’s wrong?”

He looks really concerned. I feel another pang of guilt from what I’m about to do. I feel like one of the evil bitches off of a soap opera.

“Ethan, we need to talk. There’s something I have to say.”

I see his face fall. It goes from concerned to scared in about ten seconds. Nobody likes to hear those words, but I feel no better saying them. I’m not completely heartless.

I put on a face I know I learned from Brian and motion him over to the mattress. There really aren’t many places to sit when you come in. I position myself as far away from him as possible. I turn to face him, and take a deep breath again, mask in place.

“Ethan, I think we need to take a break for a while…forever, really. I think that it’s just not working out.”

He looks crestfallen. I keep going, because I know I’ll lose my nerve any second, and he’s not answering me.

“I just think, I just think that we’re not meant for each other, and that maybe we’d be better off apart.”

“Why?” He cokes it out. “Justin, I love you though, I need you. I don’t know what I’ll do if you walk out on me.”

“You don’t need me, you just think you do.” My voice turns icy. I can’t help it. I’m angry now, not at Ethan, but at myself and Brian. I shouldn’t be in this position right now.

I get up to pack some of my things, not that I really have much.

“So this is it? You’re just going to leave after giving me some half-assed explanation? What did I do wrong, Justin? Tell me, I’ll fix it.”

“It’s not you Ethan, it’s me. You can do better.”

I haven’t looked directly at him since I told him that he just thinks he needs me. I can’t. I know if I do I’ll see something I don’t want to see. I don’t even really love him like I do Brain, but I still don’t like hurting people.

I stuff a few changes of clothes and my art stuff in my bag. It’s a good thing I left the computer at Debbie’s house, because I couldn’t get it right now. I zip up the bag and look up for the first time.

Ethan is in tears. He’s just standing there watching me, not moving. I walk over to him and put my hand on his cheek.

“I never meant to hurt you.”

He just turns away. He knows there’s no use in begging me now. I sigh and go to the door.

“Justin, please.” It’s barely above a whisper.

I open the door and walk out of his apartment. I go down the stairs and out the front door, calling a cab on my cel phone on the way down. I shut the door and stand out on the sidewalk. 

When the cab comes I get in and give the guy the directions. He starts moving, and I don’t look back.


	5. The Next Day and the Days That Follow

**************************************************************************************************************

I pull up in front of a surprisingly very normal looking house about ten minutes later. I take out the money for the cab and give it to the guy too bad it happens to be all the money I have left. Oh well, no regrets as Brian would say. I wish I was at the loft with him right now.

I walk through the gate and up to the porch. The house itself is a bluish color, with white trim around the windows. They yard’s not really big, but not many yards are in the Pitts. I take a deep breath and ring the doorbell.

The sound of a dog barking scares me a little, but I relax when Madam Kit opens the door. It’s just a little puppy. I bend down to pet it.

“Her name’s Hope.”

I step inside slowly. “That’s a pretty name.”

Madam Kit smiles. I breathe and try to take in the surroundings of my new, and hopefully very, very temporary home. 

The house is decorated with pictures of various people, which I assume are her family, but look nothing like her. There are shelves everywhere, along with a lot of candles. The carpet looks old, but it’s clean. The walls are a pale shade of lavender. It’s not a bad looking place at all.

She sees me looking. “It’s not much, but it’s home.”

“I like it, it’s cozy.”

She smiles again and motions me to follow her. We make our way down a dimly-lit hallway, to a small room. She pushes me inside. It looks just like the living room, except it has a bed and dresser.

I drop my stuff on the floor. “Thanks a lot.”

“Not a problem. Now, you should get some sleep.”

I nod. She says goodnight and leaves. I lay down on the bed which is actually pretty comfortable. Not as comfortable as Brian’s bed with its expensive sheets, but still nice. 

I stare up at the ceiling from the bed. Alone. I’m lying alone for the first time since I can remember. In a way it feels good, but at the same time terrible. I just wish Brian were here with me, with his arms wrapped around me like he does after we’ve just had sex.

I wish he missed me.

 

I wake up the next morning with my shoes still on. This is the second time I’ve done that this week. 

I look at the clock and realize that if I don’t hurry, I’m going to miss my first class. I rush out the door, forgetting breakfast and a shower. Luckily Madam Kit realizes I have no money for the bus, and she stuffs some in my hand, refusing to take it back.

After classes I make my way to the diner. It’s not half as packed as it was the last time I worked, but business isn’t slow either. Deb is standing behind the counter taking orders, and I smile at her and make my way to the front. I put on my apron and grab the coffee, making my way to the usual tables.

Everything is running smoothly, except at this certain table, there’s this guy that won’t leave me alone. He keeps smacking my ass when I walk buy, asking me if want to have a good time after I get off work. He’s kind of cute, but he won’t leave me alone.

I hear someone walk in the diner while I’m up at the front getting some coffee. When I turn around I see that it’s Brian, looking as sexy as he ever did in one of his Armani suits. He sits down right in front of me, and orders his usual from Debbie. He gives me his tongue in cheek smirk, and I just want to kiss it off of his lips, but I stop myself and just say hi. His eyebrow immediately shoots up the way it does when he is slightly amused.

“He speaks! I thought you hated me Sunshine, why the nice hello all of the sudden?”

I flinch at that, because I have been nothing but an asshole to him every time I see him. I’m surprised he doesn’t hate me. Oh well, here goes. I smile my biggest smile at him, and I see that he has to stop himself from smiling back at me.

“I’ve been an ass to you Brian, I’m sorry.” 

He just stares at me, and I can tell he doesn’t really know what to think. I know he’s going to say ‘sorry’s bullshit,’ so I just smile at him and take the coffee to my table. It’s that asshole’s table. He’s been here for about four hours, just ordering coffee and hitting on me. Still, I’m supposed to be polite to the customers, because I need this job.

I pour his coffee and ask if there’s anything else he needs or would like. He says yeah, so I pull out the notepad.

“555…” I look at him and roll my eyes.

“It has to be something we serve, and I don’t think your phone number’s on the menu.”

“Is yours on the menu?”

“Look, I told you a million times that I will not go out with you. It was cute at first, but now you’re just getting annoying.” 

I’m trying to keep my voice low, but it seems to be rising every second. I start to walk away and tell Deb to have someone else take over this table. He grabs my arm and pulls me down to face him.

“Nobody said anything about going out. I just want to fuck that hot ass.”

I make a movement to pull my arm away, but he’s holding onto it too tightly. I glare at him.

“You better fucking let me go! The only ass you’re going home with tonight is yourself.” 

By now everyone in the diner is silent, and I’m pretty sure that they’re all staring at us, but I refuse to look away from this guy. He’s gripping my arm tighter now, and I bet it’s going to leave a bruise. He pulls me to his face and whispers in my ear.

“I’ll see you after you get off work.”

“Like hell.” I lift my other arm but as soon as he sees it he grabs it too.

“What’s the problem Sunshine?” 

I look behind me to see Brian standing there with his arms crossed. God he looks so sexy when he’s pissed.

“It’s none of your business, Kinney. He’s not your twink anymore, learn to share.”

Brian rolls his eyes. “He’s not your goddamn twink either, so I suggest you let him get back to work, and go home.”

The guy lets go of my arms and stands up to face Brian, pushing me out of the way. They guy’s taller than me, but Brian has a good two inches on him anyway. They stare at each other for a few minutes, and the guy shoves Brian. I think Brian’s going to hit him, but he doesn’t, he just stares at the guy.

“You better watch it Kinney, and you too.” He looks at both of us before storming out of the diner. Brian looks back at me, and I’m rubbing my arms.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

He looks down at me and smirks. “Everybody wants a piece of your ass. Better not tell Ian.”

I choose not to correct him, or say anything. I don’t really want him to know that the two of us broke up, because I don’t want him to think I’m just running back to him. I just ignore it and look at the clock.

“What time do you get off work tonight?”

I smile. “Are you asking me out?”

“No. I’m offering to give you a ride home unless Ian’s picking you up on his magic carpet.”

“Why?”

He looks at me thoughtfully, and I think he’s going to say something sweet, but he doesn’t say anything at all. I save him from having to anyway.

“I have a ride, Bri, but thanks. And thanks for making that asshole leave me alone.”

He shrugs. “Quite flirting with everyone and things like that wouldn’t happen.”

I roll my eyes at him and he turns and walks away without saying goodbye. When he shuts the door I notice that people are still watching, and I give them all dirty looks.

“Show’s over.”

They start talking again, and I start working again. About a half hour later it’s time for me to leave, and I go catch the bus. Taxis are too expensive for me.

When I get home, Madam Kit is waiting for me with a couple of pints of Ben and Jerry’s. I take the Chunky Monkey from her, and sit beside her on the couch. She’s watching something from TV Land, but I don’t know what it is.

“How did it go today?”

“School was normal, but something happened at work.”

I’m not really sure why I’m telling her this, but ever since I’ve known her, she just makes me want to tell her every thing. I just feel like I can talk to her without her judging me. Plus, if I want her help I probably shouldn’t lie to her.

“There was this creep at work today, and he wouldn’t leave me alone…” 

I tell her about it, and I tell her about how I said hello to Brian. She just watches me, smiling here and there, but never saying anything until I’m finished talking.

“Sounds like an interesting day.”  
“Yeah. I can’t believe he thought I hated him.”

“I think he knows you don’t Justin, he’s just one of those people who can’t accept love easily.”

I look at her. The feeling that she’s been stalking us comes over me again, but I shrug it off. Why would she stalk us? I’ve been watching way too many movies. What would she be trying to accomplish anyway? Maybe she does have a gift, and maybe Daph is right.

“Yeah, that’s true. I wish he did, though.”

She smiles sadly at me, with one of her ‘I know more than you’ looks. I don’t ask her what she’s thinking though.

“Hmm…I’m sure you’re tired tonight. But tomorrow, do you work?”

I shake my head. “No.”

“You should check out Babylon then.”

I smile. That wouldn’t be so bad, even if I didn’t see Brian there. I need a break, just some time have fun. I’m young—I should be going to Babylon every night.

“Yeah, I think I will.” She smiles brightly at me. “But now, I think I’m just gonna go to bed. I only have one class tomorrow, but it’s early.”

She nods. “Goodnight.”

“Night.”

I walk down the hall to the bathroom. I wash my face and get ready for bed, and tonight I don’t forget to take my shoes off. I feel a little better today than I did yesterday now that I know Brian doesn’t completely hate me.


	6. The Next Day and the Days That Follow

***************************************************************************************************************

“I’m actually kind of nervous Daph.”

I pull a pair of tight blue jeans off the rack and hold them up to my body and look at Daphne. She makes the thumbs down sign and wrinkles her nose.

“Too Urban Cowboy.” I not and put them back.

“Justin, don’t be nervous. Just go have a kick ass time, and let stuff fall into place. It’ll be easy for you to make Brian jealous. Remember how you told me about the king of Babylon contest and how you made him jealous by fucking that guy after you won?”

“Yeah, but still. That’s when we almost kind of had a thing. How can you be sure he’ll even care now?”

“Because I’ve seen the way he still looks at you…and, he’s possessive.”

“We’re not together now, he has nothing to ‘possess.’”

“Yeah, but he still wants you.” 

I roll my eyes but don’t argue with her. It’s pointless to disagree with Daphne when it comes to me and Brian, because she thinks she knows what’s best for the both of us. She pulls out a pair of black leather pants and holds them up to me.

“Perfect. Try them on.”

“You’re kidding. I don’t want to dominate him.”

Daphne punches me in the shoulder and ushers me to a dressing room. She shoves the pants in my hand and closes the door behind me.

“Make sure you show me when you get them on.”

“Yes, mother.”

Daphne ignores me. I pull the pants over my hips and button them, then I step back to examine myself in the mirror. They really hug my ass, and I know how much Brian loves my ass, so these do seem perfect. I step out and Daphne smiles and gives the thumbs up this time.

“You look hot! I knew you would.”

“I guess they’re not so bad once you get them on.”

“Now all you need is a shirt.” Daphne says, stepping back into the clothes.

“Daphne, I really don’t have enough money for this.”

She looks upset, and pouts. “Oh come on Justin, you just got your check. I’ll make up the difference and you can pay me back.”

“Yeah, but…”

She slumps. “You don’t have fifty dollars to spare for the man of your dreams?”

I sigh and look down at the floor. “Fine Daphne.”

She squeals and hugs me, and then runs into the shirt section. I follow slowly behind her, hoping she won’t pick out something that Emmett would wear. She grabs a black, sleeveless shirt and holds it up to me. This time I wrinkle my nose.

“Oh come on, black is sexy. Besides, it will definitely make your blonde hair and blue eyes stand way out.”

I think about it, and then decide to try it on before I knock it. She gives it to me and I try the shirt and pants on this time. I study myself in the full length mirror, and if I do say so myself I look damn good. I step out to show Daphne.

“Awesome, Justin! The shirt and pants both hug you in just the right places.”

I smile broadly. That’s definitely what I was hoping for. Now, what I hope for even more is that Brian thinks the same thing. I pay for the stuff and I go to Daphne’s house to get ready, mostly because I want to ask her opinion about how to do my hair.

I take a shower and pull on my new outfit. I want to look so good tonight, I hope Brian notices me. Not that I expect him to come out and say I’m hot, but I at least want him to think it. I start doing my hair, hoping that I can get it to do something sexy, but it’s getting so long now. I’ve asked Daphne, and she says it’s sexier, so I guess I’ll trust her for now. I put a little product in it, but I don’t want to overdue it.

I step out of the bathroom, and into the living room. I hold out my arms and spin in a circle, so Daphne can tell me what she thinks. She smiles her approval.

“You will so make him want you.” 

“Well, I hope so. Okay, I have to go now Daph, wish me luck.”

She kisses me on the cheek. “Go get ‘em Justin.”

 

I step into Babylon, making sure I’m acting cocky. Brian loves self-confidence. I spot him out of the corner of my eye, dancing with a couple of guys. It’s strange that he’s not in the backroom yet. Oh well, I guess it’s still a little early.

I walk up to the bar and order a drink. While I’m waiting for it, I watch Brian get lost in the music and the people he’s dancing with. God he’s so beautiful. I turn around though, so that people don’t notice me staring at him. I’m sure that Michael’s around here somewhere and I don’t want him blabbing anything to Brian about me drooling over him…which I will be if I keep staring at him.

I take a drink and scan the crowd. There has to be someone here to dance with. An idea flashes into my head, and I remember something I did to Brian once before. I bet I could do it again. 

I take one last sip from my drink and set it down. I make my way into the thumping crowd, careful to keep my eyes on Brian. I start dancing with the guy at his right side. At first neither of them notices me, and then all at once both of them do. Brian smirks at me, but says nothing. He just keeps dancing, eyes on me the entire time. 

One of the tricks is dancing with his back facing Brian, so I move in front of him and grind my ass into him. At first he doesn’t respond, but after a second I feel him move forward, toward me. I turn around to face him and we start dancing together.

I smirk at Brian this time, and Brian just ignores me, acting like it was no big deal. It probably isn’t for him though, because he could have any guy he wanted. Still, we keep dancing and staring at each other.

After the song goes off Brian grabs one of the guy’s arms and pulls him toward the backroom. The guy smiles and just follows him. I watch them until they get to the door, then I give the guy I’m dancing with an expectant look. I grab his arm in a similar way and pull him to the backroom. He doesn’t protest.

We walk in and I see Brian leaning up against the wall with the trick on his knees in front of him. He gives me that shit eating grin and I return it. I take the trick I’m with and shove him against the wall. I start kissing him and unbuttoning his pants. He unbuttons mine, and tries to switch me positions, but I turn him around against the wall. I start nibbling on his neck and the guy moans. The entire time my eyes never break contact with Brian’s.

I pull the guys jeans down far enough to give me access, and pull out a condom. I roll it over my dick, and without much hesitation, I thrust into the guy. He lets out a loud groan, and I pull out and thrust all the way back in. Brian is staring at me now; I can’t tell what he’s thinking though.

I pump in and out of the guy, harder and harder. He just keeps making these little noises, but honestly my focus isn’t on him, it’s on Brian. I’m hoping I’m making him jealous, or turning him on, or something. I thrust into the guy on last time and come. I pull off the condom and toss it into the trash. I pull my jeans up and button them. The guy turns around, and he looks mad.

“What about mine?”

I shrug. “Find someone to help you with it.”

I give Brian one last look, and walk out of the backroom. I don’t look back, because I know he’s not going to follow me, but I can’t help but feel so good right now. 

I sit down at the bar again and order another drink. I glance over and see Brian coming out of the backroom, alone. Go in with someone, come out by yourself, that’s Brian’s motto.

I figure that he will just go and start dancing again, but I’m surprised because he makes his way over to the bar, and sits down right beside me. I don’t say anything, because I want to make him make the first move. 

“Why the fuck are you here?”

“To dance, to drink, to fuck. Why else would I be here?” I smile at him sweetly.

“Where’s the fiddler?”

“How the hell do I know?” I take a drink. He looks at my ringless finger.

“Aww, so your marriage didn’t last forever. That’s sad. What happened to your love?”

I just stare at him and shrug. “Not really all that sad, Brian. I came to realization.”

“Oh really? Enlighten me on your sudden epiphany.” 

“Why do you care?”

He shrugs and turns away from me to face the crowd. “I don’t care, I’m just curious.”

Since he’s turned around, I roll my eyes. “I just realized that just because he says he loves me, doesn’t mean anything. It was childish and stupid, and I was wrong.”

He turns back and looks at me, but doesn’t say anything. For a second I could swear I saw sadness in his eyes, but he turns away again.

He takes on last look at me and ruffles my hair that I worked so hard on. “Well, I hope you’re enjoying your divorce. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go mingle.”

I watch him walk away and shake my head. I look at the clock and realize that it’s after two, and I should be getting home, because I have another early class. I try not to be so down about it, because at least he acknowledged me. I still have time.


	7. The Next Day and the Days That Follow

**************************************************************************************************************

I get up and go to class, even though I’m sure I’m not going to learn anything—I can’t even think about anything but Brian now. It’s like everywhere I go I see him, even if it’s not really him. 

I go home—it’s weird acknowledging the fact that home it where Madam Kit is. She’s actually become my friend though, and we spend a lot of time talking about Brian, and ways I can get him to take me back. I think I’m starting to realize that unlike I thought before, she really doesn’t want anything from me, just friendship. She seems really lonely.

I open the door and find her sitting on the floor going through some photos. She looks up at me when I come in, and motions for me to sit down beside her. I do, and she holds a picture up to my face.

“That’s me, and that was my boyfriend.”

I nod, not really sure what to say. “I really loved him, but I never knew if he loved me or not.”

She laughs, but it is a laugh mixed with sadness. She looks all around the room, and then down at the picture again, and then back at me.

“You know, he never did tell me he loved me…so I left him.”

After she says that, I think I know where she’s going with this. I look at her curiously, waiting for her to continue. She takes a deep breath and goes on.

“I tried to move on, but after a while I realized I made a mistake, but I didn’t know how to go about correcting it…he moved away though, and I never tried to find him. I still think of him all the time.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Well, you don’t need to be sorry…but that’s why I wanted to help you. You and I have similar situations, but you will have someone to help out. We’re buds.”

She kisses me on the cheek and I smile at her. She’s so nice, and I wish I could do something for her, but I don’t know what it’d be. I look at her, and she looks like she’s in deep thought. Finally she speaks.

“The Babylon thing kind of fell through, but at least you’re making progress.” 

She closes her eyes and puts her finger to her lips. “Do you still go to the ‘family’ dinners at Deb’s?”

“No, not really anymore. Michael doesn’t want me there, and I doubt Brian does either…but Deb has asked me to come.”

She smiles at me. “I think you should take her up on her offer.”

 

For the next few months I go to Debbie’s house for dinner, and slowly but surely, Brian’s acknowledging me more and more. At first he was crude, making snide remarks to me the whole time, but now he just talks to me like used to. Okay, not like that, but he’s being as nice as he can anyway.

Tonight the same as it usually is, I’m sitting across the table from Brian, looking over at him when I think he’s not paying attention.

“So Justin, how are you and Ethan doing?” 

I put down my fork and smile at Melanie politely. “We broke up.”

She tells me she’s sorry, and I start feeling sorry for her, because she looks like she feels really bad about saying anything. I glance over at Brian, but he’s looking down at his plate.

“Hey, tomorrow’s the Leather Ball at Babylon…” Ted looks at me, and I’m glad he changed the subject. “You going, Justin?”

Brian laughs. I glare at him. “What’s so funny?”

“Sunshine, you and I both know that the leather ball occurs way past your bedtime…oh, and you never were much for BDSM—except maybe the spanking aspect. But leather was never really your thing.” He smirks at me, and I can feel myself blushing.

I start to say something mean, but when I look at him, I can tell he’s just joking. “Fuck you Bri, it’s not my fault you like to be spanked…or that you secretly love being on bottom.”

Brian rolls his eyes and smirks at me. “In your dreams, Sunshine.”

Everybody’s smiling, even Brian, until I guess the reality of the situation set in—the fact that we both know we’re not together. 

The subject’s changed again though, and after a while everyone’s finished eating, and are slowly getting ready to leave. Brian goes over and kisses Gus on the forehead, and tells Linds and Mel good night. Ted and Emmett leave together, holding each other and looking happier than ever. Vic excuses himself and goes upstairs, and Ben goes to the bathroom.

I get up to help clear the table, but Deb stops me. “Sit your ass down Sunshine. You’re not cleaning up here every time you come over to eat.”

I put my hands up in surrender. I sit back down, not sure whether or not Deb wants me to leave. I think I’m going to go anyway though, because right now the only people at the table are Michael, Brian, and me. And so far, Michael’s acting like I don’t exist. Which I think is a good thing. 

He’s talking to Brian about comics, and Brian is sitting there looking at him, either completely uninterested in what he’s saying, or he has something on his mind. I decide that I’m not going to wait for Deb any longer, and get up to get my coat and tell her bye.

She’s washing dishes when I come up behind her and give her a hug. She turns around and smacks me with wrinkled dish watered hands. I smile at her.

“I gotta get going, Deb. Thanks for dinner.”

“Oh honey, come over any time. You need to put some meat on those bones anyway—you look like you’ve lost ten pounds.” She eyes me up and down with a motherly frown on her face.

I smile at her, knowing that I better not argue, and say goodbye. I walk past the table that Michael and Brian are sitting at, waving bye to both of them. Michael’s still talking, but Brian gets up at the table and walks over to me.

He stops in front of me, and I wait patiently for him to say something. “You need a ride home, Sunshine?”

It takes all the energy I have, but somehow I keep my mouth from falling open. I try to keep a straight face, so he doesn’t have the chance to read me wrong or change his mind. Michael’s staring at us—well, me—with a look of death.

“Sure, Bri.”

Brian smiles a half smile, and then goes to get his coat. Ben comes downstairs from the bathroom, looking all three of us over, but decides not to say anything but ‘later,’ to me and Brian.

We walk to Brian’s car, and get in, neither of us talking the whole time. After he pulls out of Debbie’s driveway he looks over at me and smirks.

“So, where do I take you?”

I try to pretend that I’m not disappointed that he didn’t ask me to go back to the loft with him. “Uhh, I’ll give you directions.”

Brian nods. “Just keep going straight for until you get to the diner, and then take three lefts.” 

We fall into a silence again, but it’s not really an uncomfortable one. I look over at Brian and notice that he’s going way under the speed limit. I smile to myself, hoping that he’s doing it on purpose.

Brian finally turns to me. “So, how have you been?”

I try not to laugh at him, because I know he’s trying to talk to me, but is extremely bad at coming up with small talk.

“Okay I guess. Life’s pretty exciting right now…not being tied down or anything. I can go anywhere I want, fuck anyone I want, or do anything I want.”

What I don’t tell him is that all I really want is to be with him. He turns to look at me, and I see the corners of his lips go up a little bit, and his eyebrow goes up.

“Sounds amazing.”

“Yeah, it is.” I lie again.

Brian’s quiet for a minute, and I can tell he’s trying to think of something to say. “So you ever miss…you know, being closer to Liberty Avenue?”

I smile inside a little bit. He’s asking me if I ever miss him, but he just can’t say it any other way. I nod.

“Oh yeah…I miss it all the time, Bri.”

I look out the window, waiting on him to say something. He doesn’t, so I decide that I will. “I never knew how much I’d miss it when I left. I guess I thought that it wasn’t right for me.”

Brian nodded. “You have to do what’s best for yourself, Justin.”

“Yeah,” I whisper it, and Brian looks over at me. I just want to scream at him to invite me to the loft, to fuck my brains out, and then hold me until I fall asleep. But I don’t…and he doesn’t.

He turns left for the second time, and I know that the time I have with him is almost over for tonight. He smiles at me.

“You think it’s hot in here?”

“Yeah, kinda.”  
We both reach over to turn the heater down, and his fingers brush mine, sending a jolt of electricity I forgot we had through our bodies. Neither of us moves to pull them back, and I’m afraid to look at him. Finally he turns the heat down and puts his and back on the steering wheel. I look out the window. He turns left again.

“It’s the last house on the street, to the right.”

He nods and keeps on going. When he pulls up to the house, I want to cry because I didn’t get to go home with him tonight. I remind myself that I have to take baby steps though. I start to open my door and look back at him. He smiles at me sadly, and I return it.

“Thanks for the ride.”

“Anytime.”

“Later, Bri.”

“Later.”

He drives away as soon as I shut the door, and I stand there watching him leave. Finally I go inside and shut the door and lock it.


	8. The Next Day and the Days That Follow

************************************************************************************************************

“That was sooo sweet.”

I roll my eyes at Daphne. She’s such a romantic. “Yeah I guess…but he still didn’t invite me to go back with him.”

“Justin, you have to give him time. At least you know that he totally wants you.”

“Daphne, I don’t know that—I just hope that.”

She punches me in the shoulder. “Yeah right, Justin.”

We sit in silence for a while, Daphne looking at the T.V. and eating ice cream, and me looking at the wall. When I turn back to her she meets my eyes and grins a little. I force myself to smile back, but she can tell that it’s fake. She shoves the pint of Ben and Jerry’s in face and hands me the spoon. I accept it and take a big bite.

“Daph, I’d love to stay longer and eat this shit until I bust, but I have to be getting to work.”

She nods, understanding. “Well, remember—call me if anything exciting happens, okay?”

“Sure.”

“See ya, Justin.”

“Bye.”

I walk out her door and catch the bus to the diner. I’m really going to have to get a car of my own, because this just isn’t working for me. I’m getting tired of being squeezed between freaks all the way to work and school every day. Oh well.

I get off the bus and make my way into the diner, casually looking around to see if Brian’s here. He’s not, so I just go grab my apron and put it on and start to go to my section. 

In mid-order, I here the little bell on the door ding, and I turn around and look, hoping that it’s Brian that’s walking in. I bite my lip to keep from smiling, because it is him. He glances at me and gives me a little smirk. I grip the pad in my hand a little tighter, and squeal on the inside, because he noticed me. He noticed me first! God I’m pathetic.

I take the order up to the counter, and smile when he can’t see me. When I turn around I notice that he took a seat in my section—along with Michael. Oh well, I can get past that. Besides, I keep trying to tell myself that Michael doesn’t hate me, he just loves Brian.

I take a deep breath and strut confidently over to them, but not overconfidently—I don’t want Brian to think that I’m deliberately trying to impress him. When I get over there, Brian looks at me and smiles slightly, and I smile brightly at both of them, and ask them if I can get them anything.

“I’ll take a cheeseburger and fries and a coke.” 

I nod and then turn to Brian. “You want the usual, Bri?”

“Yeah, just give me that. Nothing to drink for me though, I have Starbucks.” He points to the little paper cup. 

“I’ll have your orders for you in a minute.”

When I come back with their food, I hear Michael talking to Brian about going to Woody’s tonight, but as soon as I get to the booth, he shuts his mouth. I put their orders in front of them and ask if there’s anything else I can get them. They say no, so I go on to my other tables.

When I glance back over them about fifteen minutes later, I notice that Emmett and Ted have sat down beside them, and that gives me an excuse to go back over there and see if they want something to eat. 

Emmett and Ted both smile at me when I walk over. “You guys hungry?”

“No baby, me and Teddy just ate.”

“Well, I’ll take chocolate shake anyway, Justin.” I smile at Ted and nod.

“Brian, you or Michael need anything yet?”

They shake their heads. As I’m about to walk away, Emmett pipes up, “Hey Justin, come here.”

He waves me over, and I go. “All of us are going to Woody’s tonight, do you wanna come?”

“Oh…I--”

“Honey, you’re coming. We haven’t seen you half as much as we used to, and I happen to know that you love pool.”

I smile at him. “Okay, Em, you talked me into it. What time are you guys going?”

“Hmm…well, we’ll all be there by nine. What time do you get off work?”

“Eight…but I’ll have to go home and change and stuff.”

“Take all the time you need.” I glare at Michael, because I’m getting tired of all the shit he’s giving me.

“What’s your fucking problem, Michael?”

Everyone gets quiet, and I’m sure I caught them all off guard, especially Michael, who isn’t even looking at me now. I cross my arms and start tapping my foot, waiting for some kind of answer to come from him. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I roll my eyes. “Of course you don’t. Well, you better figure it out soon, because I didn’t do anything to you. I know you never liked me, but you at least used to tolerate me—let’s go back to that, okay?”

I look over at Brian and so does Michael, obviously expecting him to stick up for him. I do too, but it doesn’t happen. Brian just takes a drink of his Starbucks, and looks over at Michael. After he realizes that we’re both expecting something from him, he sighs.

“Mikey, quit giving the kid shit. He’s right…he didn’t do anything to you.”

Michael stares at Brian open mouthed, but doesn’t say anything. I ask anybody if they need anything again, and then walk away. Half of me is pissed at myself and at Michael, but the other half of me is happy that Brian kind of took my side.

After that the day is easier, and seems to go by a lot faster. I get off work and go home, take a shower and change my clothes. Madam Kit smiles at me like she’s proud, and gives me a hug.

“You need a ride, honey?”

“Yeah.”

She takes me to Woody’s and we make small talk on the way there. When she pulls into the parking lot and is about to let me out, she leans over and kisses me on the cheek.

“Go get ‘im.”

I smile, and take a deep breath. I have to be confident or this will never work, because Brian would just shrug me off. I push the doors open and walk in, searching for Brian and Emmett—well, mainly Brian. I find them at a corner table, and make my way over. Emmett runs up to me and gives me a hug and kiss on the cheek.

“Hey baby, glad you made it!”  
I smile at him. “Yeah, me too.”

I survey the people there and realize that Michael’s not with them. It’s just me, Ted, Emmett, and Brian. I start to ask, but think the better of it. It’s as if Brian reads my mind though, and answers my unasked question.

“He stayed home tonight. I think you pissed him off.”

“Oh.” I look down at the ground, hoping and praying that Brian’s not mad at me for what I said. When I look back up he’s smirking.

“He deserved it.”

I know I’m beaming stupidly at Brian, but I can’t help it. Emmett looks at both of us, and then at Ted.

“Hey boys, we’re playing teams…you guys be together, and Teddy and I will be together.”

“Get ready to lose then.” Brian says snidely. I smile…I miss this so much.

As Brian predicted, they do lose, but that’s only because Emmett’s not that great at pool. Ted’s pretty good though, but he isn’t mad that he lost. He seems more interested in getting back home with Emmett, and Emmett seems to be thinking about the same thing.

“You guys we hate to do this, but we need to be getting back home.”

Brian rolls his eyes at them, but I smile and nod. “We’ll see you guys later.”

Brian gulps his drink and looks at me. I shift a little uncomfortably, because I wasn’t expecting to be alone with Brian. I think about bolting for the door, but then decide against it, because I doubt that would help move things along. Instead I look back up at Brian, who looks like he’s considering the same thing.

“Wanna play another game?” Brian motions toward the table, and I nod.

“Sure…but you know, I’m going to kick your ass at it.”

Brian’s eyebrow goes up. “Whatever, Sunshine…in your dreams.”

We start playing, and at first it’s a little awkward, because neither of us really knows what to talk about without offending the other. But slowly during the game something happens, and we both start talking about general stuff, just getting along and having fun. I even make Brian laugh out loud once.

When the game’s over, I get depressed because I know that I’ll have to go home, and he’ll want to go to Babylon. He is thinking along the same lines, but instead of telling me I need to go, he catches me off guard.

“I’ll buy you a drink.”

It’s not a question, and he doesn’t give me a chance to answer him, because he’s already heading straight for the bar. I smile and follow him, holding my breath the whole time. When he gets the drinks, we make our way to a table and sit down.

I smile. “I kicked your ass.”

His eyebrow shoots up and he smirks at me. “I wasn’t going to tell you this, but I felt sorry for you and let you win.”

“What-the-fuck-ever, Brian, you’re just mad because I won.”

I poke him in the chest while I’m saying it, and he looks pretty amused. It’s been so long since we’ve just sat around together without anyone else around, and if I don’t be careful I’m going to ruin a good thing by crying.

We’re quiet for a second and he looks at me, smiling. “You know, I was surprised that you said that to Michael today.”

My cheeks flush. “Well, he deserved it.”

“I know he did…he’s been giving you shit for too long.”

“I was surprised that you weren’t mad at me.”

“Why would I be mad at you?”

I shuffle my feet. “Because Michael’s your best friend, and what am I to you? You’re ex-something?”

Brian shifts and looks uncomfortable, and I’m sorry I said anything at all. The night was going great, and I definitely didn’t mean to ruin it with something stupid. Finally he looks back up at me.

“Justin, he may be my best friend, but you didn’t deserve to have to take anything from anyone—not even him. He’s just pissed because he thinks you broke me apart and that I’ll never be able to recover.”

“Did I hurt you, Brian?”

I kick myself for asking, but I have to know…I have to hear him say it. He seems to know what I’m waiting for, and looks down at his glass.

“You did what you had to do Justin, it doesn’t matter what it did to me. Most of it was my fault anyway.”

I almost choke on my beer hearing him say that. He just said something was his fault, but more than that…he almost admitted that I hurt his feelings. Sometimes I hate myself.

“I’m sorry, Brian.”

“No apologies, no regrets.”

“Brian--”

“Look Justin, I don’t want to talk about this.” He gets up out of his chair and looks down at me. “At least not here. Let’s go back to the loft.”


	9. The Next Day and the Days That Follow

*********************************************************************************************************

I follow Brian out the door and into the parking lot, almost jogging to keep up with his pace. There’s a nagging sense of dread lurking in my stomach that if I don’t keep up with him and go quickly, that he’ll just run away from me— because he’s Brian Kinney, and Brian Kinney’s mind is a fickle thing.

We get into his car, and he pulls away without looking at me. Glancing over him I see worry etched in his eyes, and I know that he knows that I’m staring, but he doesn’t meet my eyes. I sigh inwardly and look out the window, hoping that this night doesn’t totally fall to shit. I know that he’s probably just thinking about stuff, but he never tells me anything, so I don’t know if they’re good or bad thoughts.

Five minutes later were riding the elevator up to Brian’s loft, and another sensation fills my stomach, and I swear I’m going to throw up. This is too much for me—I’m too nervous to deal with this.

Brian let’s us into the loft and I stand in the doorway for a few minutes, just taking in my surroundings. He drops his keys on the island and goes to the fridge to get a bottle of water, and offers me one. I turn it down and make my way to the couch. The decorum is pretty much the same as I left it.

Brian comes over and sits down beside me, resting his feet on the coffee table. A semi-uncomfortable silence fills the air, and I’m not sure if he’s going to say anything, but if he doesn’t soon, I’m going to break the ice. 

Finally, he turns to me slowly.. “How the single life, Sunshine?”

I take everything about him in, from his facial expression to the way he’s resting his head on his hands. He just wants to avoid what we came here to talk about, which is not a big surprise at all. I decide that I’m not going to let that happen, he’ll talk whether he wants to or not.

“Brian, you never answered my question at Woody’s.”

Suddenly the ground is extremely interesting to him, and I can tell that he’s in the middle of a conflict with himself. When he looks back at me his features are masked again, and I wish I could still read him like I used to.

“Justin, I told you it didn’t matter. What’s happened has happened, and it’s over now.”

“I know you hate talking about how you feel Brian, but please tell me…just this once. What are you afraid of?”

I’m struggling hard to reach out and strangle the life out of this man who can’t face his emotions. He looks like he’s actually thinking about answering me, buy I’ve learned that wise men never expect too much.

“I’m not fucking afraid of anything, Justin! You have no idea what the hell you leaving did to me, but I let you go because there were no locks on our doors. I’ve told you before that I want you to be happy, and if I can’t give you what you need, then you did the right thing by going out and getting it yourself.”

He’s standing up now, pacing the floor in front of me, but he’s not looking at me anymore. A surge of excitement flows through my body, because he’s never told I meant anything to him, but he just about admitted it right there.

“I was naïve, okay? I thought I could get and deserved more than what you gave me, Brian. But the truth is, is that nobody could ever come close to giving me what you did. And even though you don’t say it, I know you love me—or at least you used to. Just as much as I still love you.”

He looks at me solemnly and stops pacing the floor. I want to get up and go over to him, but I’m afraid to. I don’t want to move because I’m scared that he’ll kick me out at any moment—it’s happened before.

“Justin…I’m not sure why I even brought you here.”

I take a deep breath and force myself to look at him—I can do this.

“Brian, I’m not asking anything from you that you didn’t already give me before.”

The look on his face is one of pure curiosity, but I don’t say anything, in hopes that he’ll speak instead. I’m not sure where to go from here. If this were any other time, we’d just fuck and make up. There wouldn’t be any talking—but for some reason, this time is different, and we both know it.

“What are you trying to say?”

“Take me back.”

There it is, up in the air, and now I’m waiting for him to shoot it down. He’s pretty good at things like that. Instead he surprises me, and smirks—I think I even see a little relief in his eyes, but I’m not sure.

“Take you back?”

“Yeah…into our non defined, non-conventional relationship…again.”

Brian doesn’t say anything--he just stares at me for a few minutes. He’s making me really nervous despite the fact that he’s really hot with his hands on his hips and his eyebrow up in the air. I just wish he’s say something.

“I miss you, Bri…and I made a mistake. I know you don’t like hearing it, but I’m sorry.”  
“What do you want from me, Justin?”

I think about it. It’s kind of a hard question to answer, and with all the possible ones I have running through my head, I settle with this one. 

“I just want to be able to touch you again…to have you with me. I’m not asking you to say that you love me, or to be anything that you’re not. I want more than to be just friends with you.”

He visually considers it. “And you know that it’s me, and I’ll probably never be able to be monogamous, right?” I nod. “But you also know that…you also know that even though I’m not, I don’t feel the same way about any trick as I feel about you, right?”

I smile. “Yeah, Bri, I know that now.”

A smile forms on his lips, and I let out the breath I didn’t know that I’d been holding all night. He walks over to me and kisses me softly on the mouth, it’s so tender that it’s barely there, but leaves my lips tingling after he pulls away. Instead of pulling me to the bedroom he surprises me.

“Justin, I don’t want to fuck this up again.” He whispers it.

“Let’s just take it slow.” 

I know that normally slow anything is against Brian Kinney’s motto, but he nods his head in agreement. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a strong feeling of happiness or relief. I never thought that this would ever happen again, or that Brian would admit anything when it came to how he felt about me.

He leans down and kisses my lips again, and pulls me gently off the couch. I follow him to the bedroom, and he stops me in front his bed, pulling me into an intoxicating kiss, and unbuttoning my shirt. We take each other’s clothes off slowly, neither of us wanting to rush anything. I know I want to savor everything, every part of his body that I haven’t gotten to touch in so long.

He pushes me gently onto the bed, and then leisurely climbs on top of me. He’s planting little kisses all the way up my body, and his hands are everywhere. I can’t keep my hands off of him either, I need to know that he’s here, that this is real—that Brian’s not going anywhere.

He stops kissing me when he reaches my mouth, and smiles at me. I smile back, and put my hand on the back of his neck, pulling him down and crushing our lips together. He pulls away and kisses my neck and chest and stomach for all of ten minutes. 

When he rises back up, he whispers in my ear. “I missed you.”

A feeling of anticipation surges through my body as I register the sound of him opening a condom, and squirting the lube onto his fingers. He gradually pushes them in, never taking his eyes off of me. I wrap my legs around his waist, and with one gentle motion he’s inside of me, making me feel a sense of security, love—sheer pleasure. Brian has always been able to make me feel a million things at one time, completely arousing and confusing me at the same time.

We make love twice before we stop, both times agonizingly slow, but at the same time the most pleasurable, perfect experiences I’ve ever encountered in my life. I can’t believe how much I still love him, and how perfect he is.

He’s pressed up against me now, his warm breath tickling the hairs on my neck, his arms wrapped tightly around me. We’re both completely sticky and gross, and I can smell him all over me, but it’s the most intoxicating scent ever, and it does almost as much to me as Brian himself, so I’m not that eager to wash it off yet.

From the sound of his steady breathing I guess he isn’t either, and I’m content to just let it be. I’m not sure what tomorrow’s going to bring either of us right now, but if Brian’s willing to take it one day at a time, then I am too—and I think for once that we may be okay.


End file.
